Cndnsd Mlk
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A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever