amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
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So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.