I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
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We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
My daily affirmation
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Hey I worked for it too!
#DesignFail