Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
You Might Also Like
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
this is 10/10 content no notes
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”