Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
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I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year