Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
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as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.