If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
You Might Also Like
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we鈥檙e not having spaghetti tonight?
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
It鈥檚 cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don鈥檛 realize I鈥檒l hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he鈥檚 my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that鈥檚 a yes
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I鈥檓 too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn鈥檛 take an edible so I have to act like I鈥檓 not high it鈥檚 almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
馃槀
He obviously thinks I鈥檓 some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you鈥檙e taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there鈥檚 a clown waiter. You get sick and there鈥檚 a clown surgeon.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy