If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
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With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.