How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
are there any atheist mantises?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Super Hand Dog Face
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.