Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
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I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.