“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
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if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.