heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
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*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?