She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
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Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?