I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
You Might Also Like
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.