If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
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me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
(more comics:
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train