My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Why is everyone getting married at me
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I am also baked goods