I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[adds another nod to the conversation]
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me