My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
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*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode