My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
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Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
2022 will be better than 2021
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby