a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
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[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Sharon I have some bad news
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.