in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
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The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)