I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Mhm.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.