Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
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My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.