Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
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I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.