Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.