Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
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Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
#Caturday
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.