ok this is my dumbest yet
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an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
“Huge”.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Always
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s