3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
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manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Tough love is true love
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.