Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
You Might Also Like
A game married people play.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin