Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
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I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Awesome parenting 😂
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Think I pulled my liver
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes