Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
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Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.