You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
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ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.