Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
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Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone