Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
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[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
ready to be harvested
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that