“You’d better run, egg!”
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Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.