Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
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What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.