honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
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Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.