Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
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*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
ok this is my dumbest yet
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Best seat on the street 😍
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.