[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.