Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way