Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.