I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
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The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds