[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
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A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
? 💀
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
😂🤣😂🤣
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!