We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
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a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
thanks auntie mary
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened