Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
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Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.