My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
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Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”