Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.