Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
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TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
fired
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH