Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
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Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
There’s only one good girl here!
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.