“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
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I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.